Hi Koo, You poor thing. The conflicting feelings you must have as you struggle day to day to find strength to cope with the loss of Chris as you once knew him. Turning that cell phone off must have been absolutely heart breaking. I can never totally understand what you are going through, and I know that there is nothing that anyone can say that can really make this easier for you. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to remind you that you have support from all those who love you as well as those who tune in on this blog for even a glimpse of your life with Chris--as it was then, and as it is now. I only knew Chris in High School, and so I can't speak to the man that he became, but I truly believe based on the way you so beautifull described him, that Chris, loves you and would ultimately want you to be happy. From all you say about Chris, I can only imagine that it would cause him the same physical pain you are experiencing, to know that you are hurting in this way. I am sure that his heart would beam with pride knowing that you have gone to hell and back as his advocate. And I believe that he would want you to be the best mother you could be to Gabriel--even if that means cutting back on your time at the hospital to accomplish that goal. Chris would want you to take the break that you previously felt too guilty to take for yourself, so that you could find peace in this "new life." Perhaps you would be doing Chris the greatest honor by remembering how he loved you and what he would want for you. Remember that Chris would want you to forgive yourself for reclaiming your own life, and finally coming to terms with the tragedy which has befallen you. If there was some way to suspend your pain, be it through a higher power, or a whirlwind vacation, or some other indulgence, do it, Koo. Let yourself heal in whatever way you can. As hard as it may be to accept, just because Chris may not be able to fully heal, doesn't mean that you can't. Your life will never be the same without him, but Chris would want you to go on being the same, strong, determined, beautiful woman he fell in love with. My thoughts and prayers are always with you, Sharron