There have been almost no changes on Chris’ condition, he is stable and healthy but after 4 years of his injury, we have low expectations of any significant improvements. I think this was clearly the year of coming to terms with the reality, and it did take this long to finally come to terms with his condition. For anyone who stumbles into this site for information on brain injury and what improvements are possible following a massive anoxic event, I would realistic say that maybe the doctors were right about the very low chances of meaningful recovery – at least with the current medical technology, I hope medicine and stem cell evolve rapidly enough to help in the near future. I also feel at peace that we have tried and exhausted all treatment options for Chris.

Gabriel and I saw Chris about 2 weeks ago at the time of Chris’ father visit. We dropped off George at the hospital and it was a very short visit for the two of us. Gabriel has been increasingly more difficult about these visits. He openly and adamantly refuses to go, and this time was the worse tantrum event with thick and endless tears coming with the meanest words out of a 5 yo. It’s completely understandable because Gabriel wants to play and do other things on his weekends appropriate to his age.

Bizarrely I have learnt of how much Chris is part of Gabriel’s “imaginary” world. He talks about his father at school to his friends and teacher; he told them all about Chris’ heart attack and how sick his daddy is. He told his class about Chris’ birthday and everyone clapped, his classmates also listened intently and quietly to his description of his father condition. Last Sunday, we were both up until 1 AM after Gabriel and I spent hours talking about Chris. Gabriel said he wanted to hear Chris voice because he could not remember it at all. I looked over the house for old DVD tapes and I played hours of tape for Gabriel – who was so happy and laughed so hard at Chris’ calling him “monkey” and “little man”, etc. I have no doubts about how much Gabriel loves his daddy and the special place Chris has in Gabriel’s life – yet this does not translate into any desire of being physically at the hospital. In a way, I think this also reflects my own situation. I have not managed to be at the hospital as often as in the last four years, but there is not a single day that goes by where I do not think of Chris.

All is good with us. I am happier and do not feel guilty about feeling this way. You think certain pains will never go away, but they do.

My mom arrives in 2 days just for the summer. We are looking forward to it very much.

I finish with this extract from this amazing book I read recently:

“Sooner or later in life everyone discovers that perfect happiness is unrealizable, but there are few who pause to consider the antithesis: that perfect unhappiness is equally unattainable. The obstacles preventing the realization of both these extreme states are of the same nature: they derive from our human condition which is opposed to everything infinite. Our ever-insufficient knowledge of the future opposes it: and this is called, in the one instance, hope, and in the other, uncertainty of the following day. The certainty of death opposes it: for it places a limit on every joy, but also on every grief. The inevitable material cares oppose it: for as they poison every lasting happiness, they equally assiduously distract us from our misfortunes and make our consciousness of them intermittent and hence supportable.” From IF THIS IS MAN by Primo Levi