I have talked to Chris’ dietician on the phone today and Chris is officially off any nutritional help via his PEG tube. It means Chris is 100% on oral food. I have forgotten to say so far that for whatever reason Chris stopped drinking fluids orally couple of months ago, he used to be good at drinking through a straw but now he simply refuses to. Last time I was there and tried to feed him liquids, he just shakes his head and refuses to suck. It means his water intake via PEG will increase.

Gabriel had an amazing time at Disney this past weekend, it was tiring but so much fun – at least for him. I do not understand adults who enjoy going to Disney as it certainly would not be by choice of vacation if it was not for the pure joy of seeing my son so happy and excited.

I know I have written less and less and I know so many people – friends or otherwise – follow the blog. I do not want this to be one of those blogs that go mute one day by lack of things to be said. I want everyone to know what is going on… Things are changing inside me as I come to a stage of accepting Chris’ condition. It is so sad but somehow I am not the fighter I used to be…

This has been a very painful year for me emotionally – to the point of feeling physically sick constantly. A pain in my throat, stomach, chest so often… I have done some difficult things in the last months. First I have donated and given away many of Chris clothes/ shoes. Secondly I have disconnected his mobile phone in which his voice was recorded on his voice message. It was a combination of practical need for space and being rationale about costs (I was paying monthly for a phone which was not being used). I cried so much over these decisions.

I have also come across an email Chris sent me before we came to London. I was smoking a lot and he wrote me an email about health. This is a bit of what he wrote me (2005 before our coming to London):

“… how can you go to bikram yoga everyday where you detoxify and sweat etc., and then smoke cigarettes. It's seems very contradictory. Sweating out the impurities, and then filling your body back up again. And I know you're looking good on the outside, but this smoking thing is taking it's toll on the inside where it's not visible. And if you want to eventually have more children it's really something you should think about. Your age plus the fact that you're smoking again adds significant risk to birth. I just want to have healthy children and see there parents healthy also. I think health is the most important thing in life. You can have all the money in the world, but if you're miserable or diseased or physically disabled - then how can you enjoy it. I very excited about the possibly of starting another chapter in life with you. i love you!! Chris”

I am crying as I read this. I was physically sick for days over this email. I am sad beyond words at what has come to be of Chris’ life… and hurt and guilt-stricken at not being able to continue my fight and advocacy for him because I am so tired and overwhelmed…

I am focusing a lot of my energy on finding answers on a spiritual level to be able to heal. It is hard when you are an analytical practical logical non-religious being as I am. I do not believe in an omnipotent G_d that blesses some and punishes others. YET I know there is a purpose on Chris’ journey which is beyond my comprehension and I need to believe that there is more than just random unfair chance on his fate. I am working on finding answers for this now more than ever.

No, I have no interest in meeting anyone or want to "move on" with my life. I am just tired and overwhelmed, and sometimes I just want to have my own time. I was always transparent (and too open) in my postings. Since Chris injury, my husband and soul mate Chris was and has been the only love in my life, in my heart, in my thoughts, in my physical time. I know we lived something unique that will never be replicable. I miss him every day still and I can not wait to be with him again someday…

I know Chris would understand and want Gabriel and I to be happy. Gabriel also loves his daddy so much but he simply does not want to get out to the hospital either any longer …