No updates mean I have not been able to go see Chris since my last entry. I simply do not have the time or energy for the drive needed to go to the hospital on weekends when I have so much to get done in the house and Gabriel has lots of activities. Plus I am tired – and truthfully hopeless. I just do not want to see him in that wheelchair in that hospital living that life. It’s amazing how hope (or lack thereof) can change people’s strength and energy. I do not have the time, drive, courage and strength for the visits. A lot has changed with me – while nothing significant has changed with Chris.

But I saw Chris today albeit for less than 30 minutes – just enough to clip his nails. Gabriel arrived yesterday from NY after his 1-week break in the USA where he was baptized last Sunday. He has now the most amazing Godparents (Aunt Jen & Uncle Matt) and the best people I could think of to be the gateway to Chris’ past. He arrived yesterday night with Donna (Chris’ stepmother) and we all drove to the hospital today as I dropped Donna off for her visit with Chris.

There has been a lot of thinking about long-term solutions for Chris. Since my parents departure, it became very questionable my ability (or inability) to stay alone in the UK with Gabriel. That alone is tough, caring for Chris in addition is almost impossible.

Things are under control now but I had a week of absolute breakdown last month due to childcare: I fired the nanny as I caught her lying and not taking proper care of Gabriel. THAT (Gabriel not being well cared for) made me potentially a murderous psycho crazy mom. So I fired her and was without a nanny for an entire week, working full time and trying to squeeze a business trip in the middle of the week. I do not think I can express the complete state of stress of this particular time. Luckily, Gabriel goes to an absolutely amazing school and I reached out for help to the other mommies from his class. He went to a different friend’s house everyday and did a sleepover when I went on my work trip. But it made me realize that I have to eventually go to a place where I have more of a support system both through family and true friends. I think this is just a matter of time and practicalities before I head back to Brazil where my entire family is.

I have asked Chris’ parents to look into options and possibilities of bringing Chris back to the US and they have been doing so for a couple of months now. I think it is the best solution long term. There will be lots of people to share the responsibility – here it’s just me. I will need to divorce him in order to allow this to go ahead for several reasons (qualification for Medicaid and other potential state help, passing guardianship to his parents, etc) and I am prepared to do so on due course. Long term I think this is the only viable path to ensure he has proper supervision and family visits. I guess he will have the option of staying in the UK – but I will not be here for life and I suspect the visits from the US will be less and less with time.

We have to see how things unfold. It will be a long process… One thing is clear: I can not care for Chris the way I used to. I want to focus on Gabriel and myself, we both need to be happy and I know in my heart that Chris would always support all my decisions.