I drove up to the hospital as soon as I woke up this morning. Chris was asleep on his wheelchair in the room. I did not wake him up. As I entered his room I noticed how badly his arms and hands look like… crooked, atrophied, bent up. And he just looked so fragile… not sure why but the day did not go well for me since then as I had this tight knot in my throat all day long. And when I thought I could not possibly have more tears to cry for Chris, I just spent the day with these big thick tears falling down my face all day long…

I sat down to give Chris a very nice foot massage with oil, then gave him long massages on both his hands with soap and warm water, I clipped his nails, washed his face, hugged him as best as I could… all that while he was deeply asleep. Then Chris woke up and I think he was happy to see me because he gave me some smiles. But he was not himself, perky and super alert as usual. He had this lost gaze most of the time staring into the nothingness and after lunch, he fell asleep again as I was trying to swallow my own lunch … And I just sat there and cried because it does not matter how much time it goes by, it still hurts so much the realization of what became of Chris and his life. Or maybe it is the Christmas season – or the realization that maybe people may have forgotten about Chris, that life moved on for everyone but Chris.

So I sat there and cried and said I am so sorry Chris… I am so sorry… I cried until I fell asleep on his bed, and when I woke up he was still asleep. And I left without looking back. And I went out for dinner with friends and acted as if none of this tragedy is actually happening in my life… Then Gabriel called from Seoul (jet lagged and up early yelling “mamae!!!”)… When I hear my son’s voice, everything is just fine. I miss my little man.

Wishing everyone a great Christmas! Chris loved Christmas so much … And I miss my Christmas with Chris …

XOXO