It is just amazing how this tragedy in our lives through Chris’ sickness has strengthen me to the point of feeling almost fearless about anything else in my daily ordinary life… because nothing would be as irreversible or as definite as loosing Chris as he was before… not only his being as he was, but loosing him as Gabriel’s father, my daily companion and friend…
The only thing I have not figured out yet is how to come to terms with accepting his condition… how not to feel guilty about going about my daily life knowing he is as he is… how to deal with the constant shock of seeing him in that wheelchair in that hospital after a week of a false normality (through my daily routine of work, being Gabriel’s mom, enjoying his joyfulness, a great vacation week). What is our real reality? It is so surreal to be confronted with Chris’ condition when for most of our physical time we try to live as normal of a life as possible, yet Chris sickness is constantly in my thoughts and trying to forget about it at times just feels so wrong …
A lot of my agony has been put aside in the last months through the knowledge that the sense of real time is different for Chris than from other people who are on the go 24/7. I do not think when he seats in that chair for hours sometimes, he feels as tortured as I or anyone else would feel… yet, as days, weeks, months and years now go by… it seems so unfair and senseless that such young and beautiful human being would be “wasted” or live in such a manner that is so contrary to everything Chris deemed a worthy life…
Is this his journey in life… to overcome his worse nightmare of loosing his health? Is there a lesson for Chris and all around us? Indeed, there have been so many lessons and such beauty that came along with this tragedy yet the price seems to be so high and unfair for Chris, an amazing human soul with so much to live in his young life… So many questions that do not have convincing answers that can be given…
Gabriel often talks about “when daddy gets better” – like Chris will just snap out of this and walk back into his life. Gabriel’s sense of time is so different and he is not in any pain or suffering over this yet. He just believes Chris one day “will get better”, he prays for that carelessly and constantly. Like this weekend, he said out loud the only prayer that I taught him so far “Please God, make my daddy heal quickly”. Gabriel put his hands together in Chris’ room this Saturday and said the prayer, then gave me this childish and joyful smile as if telling me: “See, mamae, I prayed and daddy will get better quickly”. I am at lost as you what to tell Gabriel. I am not telling him Chris will not get better, yet I do not want to set some unrealistic expectations on a 4 year old telling him that yes, daddy will get better. Bceause in Gabriel’s mind “to get better” means to walk out of that place and back into our home… So I just do not say much about the future, only about the past… how much Chris loved him more than anything else in this life.
I just hope for the day when there will be peace in everyone’s heart – Chris’, mine, Gabriel, and everyone who loves Chris deeply and is hurting due to his condition…