Ever since I was very little I had this dream of writing a book. To tell about my parent’s story. The stories I heard from my grandmother about my father as a little boy running from the Korea War with a backpack full of soaps and pots, and sleeping in odd places for days. Of how my grandma would heat stones, wrap them in cloth and give them to my father to hold them in his hands for his one hour walk to school in the cold of their winters.

To tell of my mom’s hurt at her parent’s lost at very young age, how she was the youngest child of much older parents and how she was raised by her older sister. How my mother spent her life wondering what and how life could have turned out (better?) if one day both my parents had not decided to leave everything behind in Korea and start a new life in Brazil. I could never on the face of earth imagine the courage that it took them to go to a foreign country on the other side of the earth without speaking a word of Portuguese with three little children: I was 5 yo, my sis Cristina 3 yo, and my little sis Sandra was 7 months old only. So with three young kids and no money, off they went to pursue their dreams of a better life in tropical Brazil…

I wanted to tell the story of their lives and our lives. I have so many memories of my childhood, most of them just tough and sad memories, of taking care of my younger sisters while all I wanted to do was play, of not having friends, of not having toys or anything… I blamed my parents for everything wrong in my life. And throughout my teenage years, it was pure rebellion and hatred towards both my mom and dad. They were guilty for everything wrong in my life.

We have choices in life but if there is one thing we are just destined to … is the choice of your family… I am so absolutely blessed for my mom and dad. I am so proud of them. I just know I have this high reference in them and neither I nor any one else will ever be able to come close to them. I know upfront that the sacrifices they make for all of us, I could personally not do it for my own son Gabriel. (i.e. theoretically caring for Gabriel’s disabled wife like my parents do for Chris with so much love. Sorry, I know it already, I could not do it myself for Gabriel or his future wife.)

Every day I thank God for my parents’ presence with us because without them, I simply could not be able to survive my situation right now. Gabriel… mygoodness… he is soooooooooo adored and worshipped and loved by my parents. My mom and dad were never able to buy toys or clothes for Gabriel. They still can not afford that. But what an amazing gift they give our son every day of their lives.

I once saw this grandmother on TV speaking about her grandchildren. She said “your grandchildren are just your second chance at your own children. If you ever did wrong with your own children, you have your second chance with their children.” I thought that was so beautiful. I am not sure if this is the case, but my parents would kill and die for our son. Gabriel is as much as their responsibility as it is mine and Chris’.

I have my mind and heart at peace about our son being well cared for when I am working and traveling. I know without any shadow of doubt that if Chris had one and only one concern in his life: that is his little man Gabriel. If Chris’ mind is “thinking” or concerned about anything, I have no doubt in my mind that Chris is concerned about his son, sad about not being able to be there for Gabriel, to take care of him, to drive him to school, to guide him through life, to protect his son, to provide and be able to give his son everything he could... Chris and I had this talk one night in bed. I said “Sweetie, I love you so much, but you know, I love Gabriel more.” He laughed and he said the same to me. And it was OK and it is just the way it is… we love our child more than ourselves and our partners.

I often think of Chris on that day April 21, 2005 when he was collapsing after his run and I wonder what he felt and thought as he was falling down. What was his last thought? And I just have no doubt in my mind that if one can practically have any thoughts in a moment like that… Chris would have thought of Gabriel. Two or three days after his collapse, the ICU doctor came to tell us that “I am very sorry, Chris will never wake up again”. My first thought was “What about our son Gabriel?” I was heartbroken at first about Chris’ not being able to be a daddy to our son… I guess this is still my biggest wound… Chris was an amazing father, caring, loving, hands on, involved with everything… unparalleled. Gabriel has so much love from all of us, but nothing and no one can replace or make up for the love Chris felt for his son…

Back to my mom and dad… what makes them very special and unique is that I realize that not every mom and dad, not every grandparent is like them only because they happen to be parents/ grandparents. I always took them as granted in life. Off course it is their job to drop their work and everything else to help me... Off course it is their job to take care of Gabriel. Actually, it is not that obviously. It is not obvious that they should be caring for Chris the way they do.

I can say that it was not easy for them to leave their life and only source of income in NY to come live with us. Actually, after they told me they were coming to help me out, my mom called me a few days before departure completely uncertain about their coming to London. She said: “We will become penniless because we will not be able to work in London.” She said: “It is like we will become beggars because we will be dependant on you for everything.” I understood. They were proud of at last being independent financially. So I said: “OK, I want you both to go to hell. What about me????? Do you want me to die? I can’t do this alone! I can not I can not” I hung up the phone on her face and cried all night long in so much despair… early in the morning, my mom called again completely in tears and said… “We are coming… I am so sorry, I am so sorry, we are coming…”

Since my parents’ arrival, our lives have become more than bearable. Or from a practical point of view, it has allowed me to work quasi normally, not to worry about Gabriel, be comforted knowing that my mom and my dad are checking on my husband every week. I credit Chris’ eating with my mom’s feeding her scrapped apples religiously for those long months at Holy Cross... My dad the driver, my mom the feeder and masseur... Since their arrival in London, my mom and dad have religiously driven whatever distance and faced dreadful traffic to go see their son-in-law every week, sometimes many times a week, to make sure he is properly cared for, and do all the things they do.

They never felt they needed to be compensated for what they have foregone – financially or otherwise. They left their work and their independence, their friends, their life in NY. They do not complain. They do not blame me for the life they live. They do not dare to take vacation. They do not spend anything beyond the minimum necessary for themselves. They do not feel “entitled” to take anything that belongs to Chris only because they go see and care for Chris every freaking week for more than a year, or to be fully “reimbursed” for coming to China to help care for Chris because they know what I am going through... They put up with my mood swings …

I am so blessed by my parents’ love. I am so thankful beyond words for what they are doing for me, for my son and for my husband… I could not do or cope with anything without their presence right in our lives. We have choices in life, your parents’ not being a choice. I have been blessed in unimaginable ways…

I just want to scream to the whole world that I am so proud of my mom and dad.