“How is Chris?”

I heard this all the time while in NY and soon I started to dread the question so much afterwards… What to say exactly? The truth? Which truth? I had my one long open heart “truthful” talk about Chris with my good friend Effie who asked this question during my first lunch in NY. I told her I feel pretty helpless, tired, hopeless, and I can not think too much ahead in the future… that I feel Chris will not become functional… that I feel absolutely pained at the thought of the life Chris is living… Will I take him back to China? After much thought, I do not think so anymore. I’d love to if I had unlimited resources, but I do not.

But even beyond the money issue, I have off course had a change of heart. For about two years I have feverishly believed (or hoped very deep down) that all the extra things I did would make a difference in a meaningful healing. And the sad reality is that in hindsight some of the major things I tried such as EEG Biofeedback, HBOT, China stem cell, nutritional programs brought only, if any, non-functional changes. Yeah yeah yeah he is “better” but projecting the pace of this progress towards the future… you realize pretty quickly that this is how he will be for most of his life.

“How is Chris?” afterwards got “He is fine, slowly getting better…” and move on to the weather, job, other topics... I did not feel like having this conversation over and over and over with everyone. And “How are you?”

“I am wonderful.” I wake up and can get out of my bed, I can walk, use all my limbs and functions, go to a great job where I am surrounded by smart and fun people all day long, come back home to hug and kiss and play with the cutest and smartest 4 y.o. on earth, I have the best friends in the world … I have an entire life ahead of me to make the most out of it… so does everyone else.

I am so grateful for everything every minute of my day. Chris’ tragedy has awakened me to all the blessings in my life (tons of it) and I do not take anything for granted. I thank God for everything… I enjoy my time with Gabriel as if “time with him was limited” – because it is indeed. We will not have our loved ones with us forever and we can never predict when it will end… I thank God all day long for Gabriel’s health. This is not a given. It is a blessing and a gift. For which I am forever thankful and pray that it stays like this, always always healthy Gabriel… my life saver. The one I hug tight every night … and I just get so lost in an immense feeling of absolute love … I love being his mommy more than anything else in this entire life.

What about Chris? Today I read this from an article in my google alert: “Living for years with an 'anoxic' brain injury is a horrifying existence. Many would rate this a fate worse than death.” I agree with this statement. Anyone who thinks “Chris is at peace, comfortable, happy” is just convincing themselves of it just for their own sake, to feel better about a situation which just feels so helpless and off course that is all understandable, it is a psychological process …

BUT I know in my head and in my heart that Chris is not OK, he is not fine. I see him every weekend and I know he is not OK. He is not OK spending his days in a wheelchair, alone, drooling, grinding his teeth, maybe in pain, maybe not… smiling and laughing to the staff (coincidentally I never once got a bad report of Chris, he is always fine and smiley and happy). Anyway, he is not OK being immobile, having his hands and arms completely crooked and deformed by spasticity. And it is not OK for him to be missing on life going on as usual regardless of how he spends his days. Chris is not OK when he is being deprived of everything he loved and longed in life… an active healthy life style, his adored son, travels, friends, family… No, sorry, but to be honest, he is not OK.

I hit very low points sometimes as obvious in this blog but I always bounce back because I can not stand negativity for too long. And I am not a quitter; I fight till the end to achieve everything I set my mind to. But right now, I am not sure which goals to set for Chris. I am trying to figure out what is realistic to expect and what to realistically shoot for? The tough part is that I do not want to shoot just for “something realistic”, I want to shoot for the moon. But I feel that although all dreams in my life have been achieved… this one dream of “Chris’ healing” is clearly not within my power.

What to do next?

Go visit him over the weekend as usual – and once more open the wound in my heart for it is always hurtful to see him like that. And then take one day at a time.
Until... ???